I'm still very much on overwhelm with all the family stuff that's been going on in my life. It's been making it hard for me to get things done, adhere to deadlines, remember all the things I'm committed to do & yes, post here. What I've found however is that when I can clear the debris & anxiety away & make room for art it's a huge relief. And not just a relief ... a joy. An energizing joyful act.

I first experienced that on our Seattle trip; I thought it was the effect of being out of town, being away from all of It. And in part it was. But it was also connecting to a core part of what makes me, me. I realized that a couple of weeks ago while I was shooting DeLano in Domina Skye's rope. Despite everything that was going on with family, despite all the stress & exhaustion I was dancing around the room, happy to be in this little bubble of making art with people I'm close to. It was the same feeling I had at SEAF & the shoots I did in Seattle. My art zone makes me happy & brings positive balance to the way my life has been these last 6 months. How great is that?


Up this weekend ... shooting our friend B over at The Genius Metalworker's loft. I have to ask him if I can post about him by name but he's this guy who makes awesome metal bondage furniture. And that's another post in itself. I have a lot of catching up to do here.

Today was almost made of suck but then it got saved by Firefly.

Slammed back into NYC on the red eye Wed AM, slept weird for a couple days, made it uptown & east to check in on stepmom (who's a bit better than when I left, yay) & then woke up this morning to:
monthly budget & bills
taxes
realization that I was going to set up all those doctordentistetc app'ts when I got back & uh yeah, I'm back
errand running in the rain
more taxes. taxes are suck of the never-ending variety.

But then tonight there was Firefly. seraphin_13 was a Firefly newbie. We've been marathon watching it with her. Today she learned the Jayne song. Indoctrinating a Firefly virgin along with a big bowl of rocky road ice cream, I feel almost better. Still annoyed that I have to get ready for my tax app't before I allow myself to dive into the photos from the Seattle trip or go out & have fun but ... still, today wasn't entirely made of suck.


Also, I can kill you with my brain.

I mean, also, we scored Eddie Izzard tix for the *official* tour in June. And so did some certain other kool kids out in Seattle. Oh yeah, we rock.

What can I say about such a fantastic weekend except "thank you" to all our friends in Seattle who made the trip so great? Everyone there was so wonderful to us that it was difficult to say goodbye when it's time to leave. Not only that but being able to see friends from other places and meeting new people as well. Seattle and our friends there, old and new, hold a very special place in my heart - not the one reserved for people who talk at the theater (geek reference alert!), though.

So from the bottom of my heart, thank you all!

Two things came to mind last night as I was whizzing along next to twistedmonk:

1. "My diary is in Berlin"
and
2. "This unit has it's own controls.  How does it detach?"

Yes, I'm a geek and you'll prove how much of a geek you are if guess where the two references come from.  :D

Best impressions of this trip to Seattle so far:  An hour and a half at the Sci-Fi museum and only just making it to the second floor before it closed for the day.  Us having lunch with fd_midori, sfracerx, our friend and local rope guru Max and dinner with Alena G.  Hanging out at the Center Annex with silvergoth  and playing with rope on Michele.  Vivace Coffee!  Having pizza with grimwish and Monk then going to Monk's house to ostensibly recored a video blog but getting totally sidetracked playing Rock Band (I'm apparently a very good faux bass player).  Did I say Vivace Coffee? 

I'm very much looking forward to the SEAF Gala tonight.  I brought some good arm candy clothes so that I can look good standing next to Michele.

And the most wonderful thing about this trip so far is that I finished the first round of edits on my play!  Now I just have to transcribe the edits (I did them the old-fashioned way -- pen and ink to printed copy) to my writing software and then I'll e-mail it to several friends for constructive criticism and help in the next round of edits.  I know I'll get good feedback from these people and I'm fully ready to take this to the next phase.

Wow.  I'm so jazzed about this!

Yes, I know the state industry is rain but it's been sunny most of the time since we got here. I'm looking out a big window onto blue skies & snowcapped mountains in the distance. Yesterday we got "home" in time to catch the most beautiful sunset. I got some great photos of the Space Needle against a sky swirling with clouds & colors, snowcapped mountains in the background. I'm so happy I've got goosebumps. I really really really needed some vacation time & Seattle always throws so much love my way. I'm happy to be here.

Yesterday we ran around doing some SEAF prep, then down to Broadway for lunch with Max, fd_midori & sfracerx. I had coconut juice & DeLano didn't even make *that* face. Then we got touristy & went to the SciFi Museum & the Experience Music Project. We lost D in the SciFi part for a looooong time while we explored the EMP. That was fun, and I need to go back to really check out the whole thing. D would probably tell you he's not done with the SciFi part. I didn't spend long SciFi-ing this trip ... once last year was enough for me for a bit. D out-geeks me, I guess ;)  Later that night was dinner out & then Grinding & Chilling. We got to spend some quality time with our very sweet hostess, silvergoth. And then there was collapsing into bed happy & exhausted once we got back.

Today is a shoot with the lovely soapysophie . I'm excited. I haven't had time or energy for making art for way, way too long. Tonight I'll be joining every woman in Seattle at Bang For the Buck while D has stinky pizza with twistedmonk. He's very excited. There's a rumor he's going to get to ride in a sidecar ......

Almost almost almost. Whew, packing for 2 days .... traveling heavier this trip than I ever have before. Packed: artwork for SEAF Gala; paperwork;  merchandise & product displays for SEAF store; photo gear; rain gear (Seattle. Portland. Rain.); appropriate clothes/shoes for 3 or 4 parties, appropriate clothes/shoes for shooting & city wandering about for oh, 7 days; girlie cosmetics; music; books; etcetera etcetera etcetera.  Toys for niece & nephew & various gifty things. Must remember ... and food for airplane. I mean, food for me to eat on the airplane. Right.

Holy hell. Meeting D uptown in 2 hrs. So I've got TWO pieces checked luggage & a lead heavy carry on & my knapsack, um personal item stowbelowseat thing. And six flights of stairs to get down. Holy holy hell.


I can't wait to get to Seattle!!!


Now why's my cat on the top damn shelf again. Cat!! Oh well. Not under bed at least .... note for cat sitter? Check. Cat food. Check. I'm sure she can get down from there without totally wrecking the living room, right? Ha!! Right. Must clear everything breakable off surfaces in cat flight path. Check.

Planning a shoot with soapysophie is making me feel better. I can't wrap my mind around making things happen here in NYC but taking it out of town gives me a little ... I don't know. Breathing room, maybe. I've also got a plot in the works with Alex & twistedmonk. This morning I'm getting glimmers of being able to focus some creative energy on both projects.

Slooowly making logistical planning happen. Does anyone know if Utrecht is the best place for me to buy ready made, exhibition quality frames in Seattle?

Also, trying to figure out what to do on my free day in Portland. Any ideas anyone? Besides Powell's books, I mean. Something accessible via mass transit ...

As a kid one of my favorite books was The Phantom Tollbooth. In it, a little boy named Milo is on a quest & at one point gets lost in the  Doldrums, a gloomy locale populated by Lethargians, where thinking is not allowed.  I posted a while back about having a load of unhappy stress-y stuff going on with friends & family - people being ill & all that goes along with that. It's still ongoing & there's a maintenance level of stress that goes along with having people you love being ill. The result is that some days, some weeks, my brain turns to mush . There's a wash of sad over things & I can't think, can't move, can't plan. Imagination doesn't quite work. I'm in the Doldrums.

This makes planning & logistics difficult. My capacity for forethought & my ability think things through, to strategize for travel, projects, etc is limited. Right now, putting together the pieces for our upcoming Seattle travel for SEAF & my solo jaunt afterwards to Portland feels like pulling teeth. So, I've been making lists. Lots & lots of lists. Things to do before travel, people to contact. Questions to answer, things to pack. It's slow going.

The hardest part about that for me right now is feeling like there's a barrier between me & my creative process. I feel a bit lost & kind of sad, partly about loved ones being ill of course, but also partly about feeling too drained most days to do the things that feed me. The part of my brain that needs to engage & get excited & make things happen is full of fog & hard to access. I hate this. I need to be able to go there in order to be me & it's so. very. damned. difficult right now. Lists for travel I can deal with but jump starting my "make art" engines is harder. I've set up shooting out in Seattle & I think that will help ... being with DeLano & away from home for a bit, being with people who are jazzed about making stuff, turning on my camera & jumping in. I'm looking forward to the SEAF Gala, seeing friends, playing, & making art happen. I just need to get out of the Doldrums for long enough to get myself there.

Here's what I've been looking at.

dropdeadgorgeous


Yum.

We just scored Eddie Izzard tix.

*****wheeeeee******


We are SUCH fans. Really. And I'm not the fan type, but Eddie rocks. We saw him workshopping his latest act 2 yrs ago in a teeny tiny theater on Bleecker St & it was great but it will be REALLY REALLY great to go see the official whole show.




OK, going to cook dinner. So excited. Wheee!

I was going to post this while I was still flaming mad. Unfortunately I was busy & the mad's worn off but ... Lexington Photo Labs blows.
Just saying.

I'll be on Diana Cage's OutQ Sirius Radio show tomorrow night. Diana & I worked together when she was the Editor at On Our Backs & I was their east coast Photography Associate. We made a lot of sex shoots happen, yes we did. This will be fun :)

The show airs live, Thursday night, 11PM, channel 109.

Sirus OutQ Radio

Geek interlude on our recent SF trip for Rope Dojo. Seems the flight crew now creates a channel where passengers can listen in on the air traffic control banter during the flight. So, after they did the "put your electronics away or the plane will CRASH putitawaynow" thing on the return flight I listened in. Yeah, it's boring shit but my inner geek had great fun hearing them tell us to turn & then feel the plane turn & identify which plane was behind us, can you see them? And hear the pilots acknowledge visual contact (as in: don't crash guys, you're close). I dunno. It was a lot like watching commands scroll across the main mainframe console & being able to read what people are doing all over the network ... or ... ok, I've lost most of you. But I had a few moments of fun listening to air traffic control bring us in.

I'm still rather AWOL from a lot of the things I'd rather not be AWOL from. I owe more than one person prints, I haven't set up any new shoots, I don't get out much, I've missed the gym & yoga. I've missed at least a couple of dinners & one dim sum brunch. I probably owe several people phone calls, too. And not that I'd rather be cleaning but I'd rather have a clean apt & right now I see cat hair clumps big enough to choke, well, a cat.


So one night last week I'd had it, I couldn't take any more. Not one more sick person, not one more person I loved being crazy with worry & acting weird. Just. No. More. So I called an old, wise leatherman therapist type friend of mine & he advised that I spend some real time focusing on what's positive around me because I'm going to really need it. So here goes. In public, even:

I have people who love me, 2 warm fuzzy cats (one purring on my lap now, and she's not in renal failure as we thought she was), and a warm safe apartment to live in. Despite all of our individual bits of dysfunction & momentary lapses, my family has rallied around each other in dealing with my stepmom's illness. I have a wonderful, supportive partner who's been making some great strides in his own life. I have a rent job & it fills that need, the rent is paid & really they're nice folks; and, they send me home to be sick when I'm sick. I get to be part of Rope Dojo (tm)  & will be doing another one in SF in a couple of weeks. I was able to organize at least one photo submission over the fall & as a result one of my photos was selected for this year's Erotic Signature whoosie (one of my photos of  mistressyin from this past fall). I've found & listened to the archived weeks of Vin Scelsa's Idiot's Delight on WFUV.org, and his shows always comfort & cheer me. Oh, and there's a very pretty sunset outside my window right now.

I miss you all. I will wrap up old project loose ends, prints, cd's I owe folks as soon as this being sick on the couch thing relents. Dim sum soon, when I feel better, when I'm not running to the hospital in all my spare time. More photo shoots! Going out to play. I do miss all that. I just can't do it much right now. OK ... going off to focus on something positive & edible. I think my sense of taste just might be coming back & there's some nice things in my fridge.

And when I say "full", I mean "complete". Just this morning I finished writing the first draft of a one-act play, my first play in more years than I care to count. It's been so long since I typed the words "The End" that I was feeling a like a fraud telling anyone I was a writer. What? You didn't know I was a writer? I've been keeping a very low profile since I haven't been able to complete anything because my life and my artistic process were in such chaos and turmoil. My former life took a big bite out of my creative instincts and ability, so big a bite that I began to feel somewhat dead inside to my love of stringing sentences together to tell a story. One divorce, one dissolved writing partnership and nearly a year of therapy and I'm finally reclaiming a part of myself that I almost didn't know was missing.

Many years ago I wrote, produced and directed a one-act play here in New York. I'd never had a more exciting, exhausting and fulfilling experience as an artist but I didn't follow it up with another; I drifted back into trying to break into film writing. Between that first play and this one, I buried myself in what eventually became an emotional Sargasso for me and a doomed writing partnership with folks whom I still love dearly and see as often as I can. I drifted so far from my own artistic center that couldn't see how to finish anything I started.

I started working on the play in the summer but had to put it down a couple of times. Even considering that, I knew this was the right thing for me to do; I could feel it in every line I wrote. So, when I typed the words "The End" at the bottom of the page this morning, thereby hitting a goal of finishing by the end of the year, I threw my hands up in triumph and joy! It's been a long time coming, with several false starts along the way, but I'm finally seeing my way clearly again. I'm now able to say with some conviction: "I am a writer."

Michele and I started this blog to talk about our art and now, finally, I can talk about all of my art, not just my rope art. And the great thing is that I've got more percolating back there, just waiting to spill onto the page. I'm starting to see the next two plays. It's been so long.

What now? The rewrite! A reading or two! And then let's get that sucker produced!

I'm home.

Happy New Year!

I haven't posted in about forever. I haven't even been meaning to. I've been so busy & stressed & stressed & busy that I haven't even considered topics to post on. After showing up, participating & doing all the stuff life is spitting out at me, writing about it is unfathomable. There's nothing left. I can comment sometimes on other people's LJs but beyond that, it's all drool & dribble.


It's going to be that way for a little while longer, I think.

So ... sorry, stress ate my brain. No words. Miss you all. Back later when the weather clears.

I just updated my site for the first time in six months. That's definitely one of the longest times I've ever gone between updates. What took me so long? Computer problems, refinements to the site, deciding on what galleries to post where some of the reasons. But the bigger reason is that I haven't felt like it. I've been a bit ambivalent about the site because it just gets more and more difficult to find time to shoot and people to shoot with. Because of the very nature of DeLano Bound, I have an extremely small pool of shoot partners -- both tops and bottoms -- and this limits the amount of content I can post. Sometimes I want to have more ready and waiting to go. Sometimes. But then I look deep and realize what it is that I'm trying to accomplish here.

DeLano Bound is an exploration of connection through rope, not a bondage content site in the traditional sense, so I'm not going to be shooting with "models" just to get a lot of pictures. I won't be working with someone for whom this is just a paycheck or something they do to "just because". Years ago I tried to enter that world and, because boys are less profitable that girls in that world, I didn't get very far at all. But I got far enough to see how hollow a lot of it is, or can be. I got far enough to realize that my "because", and the "because" of anyone I play or shoot with, has to go deep; it has to run all the way to the core of who we are. It doesn't have to be all that we are, however, because in my opinion, that can leave a person just as hollow and burned as doing it strictly for money can.

I was looking over the galleries I just posted and there are so many elements of truth and depth of connection there, especially in the set with Skye, that it made me smile at the memory. When Skye cinched the rope tight or dug her thumbs into my carotid it was real; it was a an expression of what our bondage play life is. When we made faces at each other and hugged it was an expression of what our friendship is, of how it's evolved over the years. I felt happy and proud not only because I shared such an experience with Skye but because Michele was able to capture it so that I can share it with anyone who wants to visit my site.

That's part of my "because." There's more to it and slowly but surely I'll be able to explore and share it all.